It's the final of Ultimate Big Brother - and the last ever Channel 4 eviction night. Join me live from 7.30pm for a dose of nostalgia and the UBB winner
9.18pm: Jade's story is amazing and tragic in equal measure. It's very sad to watch, but then of course we know how it's going to end.
Oh sod off Clifford, no-one cares what you think.
9.14pm: Wow, we've been at this for nearly two hours already - we're nearly HALF WAY, people! Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
It's time for Jade's story. I appear to be getting snuffly.
9.06pm: Victor and Michelle in the bedsit was hilarious - what I love about Victor is he's all dick-waving and Alpha Male on the surface, but underneath he seems to be a genuinely sensitive guy. And he's very, very funny. Can't believe he came 7th last time. Great value housemate, I could watch him for weeks.
8.59pm: It's time for fourth place - Davina is apologising for all the swearing. Oh, can we not just let it go for one night? No one really cares.
Fourth is....VICTOR!!! Which means it HAS to be Brian for the win, although there is plenty of love in the crowd for Nikki. I'm just not sure she's mentally equipped, a win could tip her over the edge from mildly bonkers into totally hatstand.
I love Victor. One of my top housemates EVER.
8.50pm: Nick's best bits - him being nice, and having fun, and clearly getting his confidence back a little bit. See, how can anyone say this show is crap? THIS is why it's brilliant.
Blythy in the comment box has just read my mind - what would it be like to watch the original series again? I'd love to see it, a very different kind of Big Brother I imagine. I can remember more of the housemates' names from BB1 than I can from last year.
8.44pm: Blimey, whilst I've been wittering on with my special brand of marriage guidance, they've evicted NICK. I'm glad he went back in, he's been good value and seems to be a really nice guy. I suspect he's very glad to shed the 'nasty' tag he's been lugging around for the past ten years. Still not sure I can ever entirely forgive him for the dead wife story though.
Sorry, but Lionel Richie advertising crisps is just WRONG.
8.37pm: Yeah, she barely got past the pleasantries. He clearly still cares about Chantelle, and now is being subjected to all the "I still love him" crying she's been doing over the last couple of weeks.
Part of me wants them to get back together, but part of me thinks it would probably be a disaster. It's all very sweet though, I find myself genuinely hoping they find a solution that works for them, and that this experience makes them closer in some way. As someone who is currently liveblogging from her ex-husband's front room while he's out on a date, I respect the concept of post-divorce frendship.
Christ, listen to me. I haven't even been drinking.
8.33pm: Finishing 6th is....PRESTON. How long before Davina shamelessly asks him if he still loves Chantelle in a clothes-removing way?
Blimey, who knew Preston looked so good with his shirt off? A not-very-ordinary boy at all, as it turns out.
8.24pm: Forgive me if I don't provide a blow-by-blow commentary of the interviews, they're invariably incredibly dull. I have one ear open for anything noteworthy.
She loved everyone, and wants Brian to win. See? Nothing to see here.
8.19pm: It's time for Ulrika's interview. I quite like Ulrika, she's like everyone's mum. She looks like she needs a jolly good feeding up though. Why is there so much hate in the comment box? Did I miss something?
My daughter has offered to make popcorn. This is excellent news.
8.11pm: We have learned that Davina eats lentil soup before going on stage, whilst having her hair and makeup done. Truly it is the tiny details that matter. Can I retrospectively include the word 'emotional' into the drinking game? Clearly I'm not taking part, but you guys can drink my share.
And the first housemate out is....ULRIKA!!!. She was lovely, but clearly never going to win.
8.04pm: We've gone backstage to see how the show gets put together. What is Marcus Bentley going to DO with himself after tonight? Has anyone found him a new job? I worry about these things.
I don't want to see who the Tree of Temptation really is. I like to think it's an actual chest of drawers with a disembodied voice and a serious attitude. The magic is gone if it's got actual arms and legs.
This is actually very interesting. They should have played this all those times Tim from BB3 was in the diary room banging on about his contact lenses and asking Big Brother to 'comprende?. Or every time Rex appeared on screen.
7.57pm: Right, nearly time to kick someone out. I'm thinking Preston to go first. It's the final ever recap, and Brian is dancing to Kylie on the sofa. Watching his reaction to being followed around by all the housemates over the last few days has been hilarious - sometimes the simple plans to mess with someone's head are the best.
Christ, they are playing James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover". Of all the cruel, sadistic tasks Big Brother has set the housemates, making them endure three minutes of this musical excrement is truly harsh. I hope they get extra beer for passing. Preston does a runner into the garden. I'm surprised he's not going for the fire escape.
7.46pm: Davina is reminding us of some favourite BB catchphrases. "I could kill somebody with these two fingers" - ha, had forgotten that one from Lisa in BB4. Don't worry if you can't remember it, it's the series where we had to endure Federico and no-one watched after John Tickle left. It's also the series where I got to do a tour of the camera run AND Dermot kissed me on the cheek. Happy days.
Voiceover man Marcus is conducting a funeral for Big Brother. All the housemates make a short speech - Victor manages to get the phrase "hot lesbian action" into his, which sort of spoils the moment. They are playing Barber's Adagio For Strings. Is anyone else waiting for the DJ Tiesto version to kick in?
7.39pm: God, I'm welling up already. I know BB has had its ups and downs (all-time low: Kinga), but there is much to look back on that has been brilliant television. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but I am genuinely going to miss it. Must. Not. Blub.
7.35pm: So I know it's got slightly lost in all the last-hurrah nostalgia, but who should win tonight? Part of me thinks Nick just because closing the BB loop in such a tidy fashion pleases me, but I think it has to be Brian, purely because he remains my favourite BB housemate of all time. Except I also love Victor. Oh choices, choices.
7.29pm: A few stats for you - there have been 267 housemates in 19 series. About 20 of them have been utterly brilliant, the rest have been weird, unhinged, creepy or just wallpaper.
Tonight we'll be reliving all the best bits, looking behind the scenes, watching Dermot have supper with all the best housemates, seeing all Davina's favourite moments and finally crowning an ultimate winner with tears and hankie-waving.
I'll be liveblogging the whole lot. Who's with me?
7.27pm: And we're off! Blimey, Davina's not wearing black! Instead, she has dressed as one of the less popular Quality Street options. Bad, bad idea.
7.17pm: Right, are we all ready? I have fortifying snacks and soft drinks at the ready - alas no BB drinking games for me, I have to drive later. But feel free to indulge without me. May I recommend a slug every time Davina cries, and down in one whenever someone says the words 'journey' or 'rollercoaster'.
Anyone who makes it through to 11.30pm with me wins my eternal respect and gratitude. Terms and conditions may apply.
Pre-show preamble...
It's here! The final show of the final series of Big Brother. We're in for a long night, no doubt with plenty of tears, reminiscing and nostalgia as we look back on ten years of the show and crown our Ultimate Big Brother winner.
Whether you've followed every series, dipped in and out over the years or believe Big Brother is responsible for most of society's ills and thus hate it even though you've never watched it, you can't deny it's been a Channel 4 institution. Some bits have been brilliant (everything before series 4) and some bits not so much (Celebrity Hijack, anyone).
Either way, we've got just one night to go, so add your comments below and let's make a night of it. See you at 7.30pm!
