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20 min: Ferdinand strides forward from the back and is roundly booed by the Chelsea fans. Well done football!
19 min: Meireles, who's gone for the toupée look today, sends a dreadful free-kick into the United area. It's cleared with contempt. Chelsea's set-pieces have been crummy so far.
17 min: United look so dangerous on the counter-attack. And indeed when they have the ball. Chelsea's attack is so ponderous at the moment. Anyway, Young has a sight of goal on the edge of the area, but takes too long to shoot and when he does, the pace is taken off the effort by Cahill's block. The shot spins up and Cech saves easily, preventing a corner. A lot of United's moves are falling down at the feet of Young.
15 min: Still, that's one in the eye for Liverpool fans those who claim Howard Webb is United's 12th man.
13 min: United felt they were hard done by by refereeing decisions during their defeat at Stamford Bridge last season. Expect that decision to be referenced after this match should they lose. Ferguson is still blowing hot heat into the fourth official's ear on the touchline.
11 min: Howard Webb, England's top referee. Giggs slips Welbeck through the middle, and the United striker's touch takes it away from the Cahill, who slides in, misses the ball and takes out Welbeck. It's probably just outside the area, but arguably a red card as Welbeck would have been through. Amazingly Webb waves play on. He's bottled that. United are livid.
9 min: Ashley Young wriggles and twists and turns in the area, somehow holding on to the ball, before falling over his own feet. He wants a penalty, but Howard Webb gives a free-kick to Chelsea for handball by Young. "The good thing about playing Bosingwa and Luiz is that it will save Gary Cahill from any criticism possible if Chelsea's defence have a wobble today," says Sasu Laaksonen. "So no pressure there Gary, the FWA is on your side."
7 min: Mata's corner from the right is low and all Cahill can do is divert it out of the area to Malouda, whose volley is deflected wide for another corner, this time on the left. Meireles whips it to the far post, where Ivanovic heads it back across goal. Carrick heads it up into the air and under no pressure at all, De Gea flaps haplessly at the punch. Oh dear. It comes to Meireles on the left, but this is just insulting, a shot from a ludicrous angle that flies into the side-netting.
6 min: Not a bad start from Chelsea, this. Sturridge has a pop from distance. It's going well wide, but a deflection takes it even further wide, giving Chelsea their first corner.
5 min: A sloppy pass from Ferdinand gives Sturridge a chance to attack United on the right. He tries a couple of stepovers, but then drags his cross straight into the arms of De Gea, who manages not to throw the ball into his own net. That's cheap, isn't it? He's obviously going to be a very good goalkeeper.
3 min: Sturridge nearly plays Mata through the middle, but Ferdinand does well to cut the pass out. For some reason, Ferdinand is being booed by the Chelsea fans. Can anyone tell me why? They can't still be annoyed about that Merking Show in 2006. "I wonder a bit if the old ire and dander would be up a bit more for Torres if Vidic were out there" says Linda Howard. "That was always fun."
2 min: Essien trips Evra 25 yards from goal, giving United a free-kick in a promising position. Rooney curls it over the wall with his right foot, but it curves harmlessly past the near post. "One of Morgan's co-pundits on Fox just informed us that Tim Cahill will start for Chelsea in central defence," says Adam in New York. "Someone should urgently let the Everton midfielder know he's needed at Stamford Bridge."
1 min: Off we go, United getting us underway and attacking from right to left in the first half. Meanwhile, I bet the people complaining here are the kind of people who stand on the left on the escalator on the tube. Oh humanity.
The teams are in the tunnel. Patrice Evra and Petr Cech, the two captains, share some BANTER. Always good to see. "I had an exceptionally vivid dream about this match the other night, so vivid that I've placed a bet on it - and I never bet on sport," says Nick Pettigrew. "Ever. In the dream, Torres scored a hat trick. I've pissed my money away, haven't I?" If it's any consolation, he did score against United in September.
Andre Villas-Boas says that he's picked Jose Bosingwa instead of Ryan Bertrand because of his experience. It kind of makes sense, but ... Jose Bosingwa.
Pre-match emails.
"An 11-0 win for Man United would see Newcastle slip in to 4th place," notes an optimistic Keith Angus.
"Regarding Villas-Boas, I've long believed he needs time and support," says Chuck Schick. "He needs to rebuild the team and cut off the deadwood. This being said, he is playing one piece of dead wood at leftback and one in midfield. Maybe he'll line them up 4-2-3-1 with Malouda wide left and Mata behind the striker. That would make a lot of sense and allow Essien and Meireles (though Romeu would be preferable to the latter) to add cover for the defence. Mata could then try and play Torres in more. Sadly, we all know he's going 4-3-3. He will play the uninspiring Malouda - who seems to prefer passing to the opposition than Torres - in midfield. And he's not given Bertrand a chance. Chelsea were never likely to win, so why not give young Ryan a chance? I suggest the board take it upon themselves to do the right thing - resign. They are the ones who repeatedly appoint the wrong man."
"Just thought I'd let you know that Piers Morgan is on the Fox Soccer Panel in the US Coverage," warns Tim Jarrett. "Has he often been a pundit? He just said both teams were facing "Armagedda" But im not sure what he was referring to - perhaps Man CIty winning the league. Is Armagedda even a word?" Is Piers Morgan even a human? I'm not saying he's not. I'm just asking the question.
"Must say, I'm impressed that an 'Appy 'Ammer like yourself is pals with Chelsea fans!" says Ryan Dunne. I'm a man of the people. "People, usually rightly, slag off "plastics" but surely one benefit of the Sky, Glory-Hunting age is that people can support Spurs (or Chelsea, or Arsenal) and have friends/lovers who support their rivals, without descending into the "blood feud" conflicts of old. Personally I'd obviously much rather have a partner who supported my team (the Glorious Glasgow Rangers) but, in the last analysis, choice of fitba team is hardly up there with personality/appropriate respect for Batman/sense of humour/being up for anything etc etc."
"And since you mentioned fashion, what is up with the Chelsea shorts?" says Linda Howard, before going on to explain precisely what is up with the Chelsea shorts. "They seem to have been tailored so that even I would have a bulge. Some of us get distracted, for heaven's sake."
Fashion update: Sir Alex Ferguson is wearing a white polo neck underneath a black blazer. He looks like a vicar. Call Hadley Freeman now.
Here's a text off a friend at the game: "The England Under-21 left-back and captain [Ryan Bertrand] is on the bench and that ******* clown Bosingwa starts out of position. Malouda? Really? We're going to get minced." He supports Chelsea.
Judging by the reaction of Chelsea fans of my acquaintance, no one's especially happy to see Jose Bosingwa up against Antonio Valencia. Or Florent Malouda in midfield. That does look like a desperately average Chelsea side. They're going to have to play exceptionally well to get anything out of this.
Manchester United haven't won at Chelsea in the league since 20 April 2002. Ten years. A miserable record, especially as Chelsea have been managed by Avram Grant in that time. And to think people quibble about Tottenham's record at Old Trafford. These are meant to be the champions of England, and they can't even win at a ground where Chelsea didn't lose for 86 matches, a run spanning four years and eight months. Oh.
Only four players, two on each side, remain from that match. United won 3-0, a victory that wasn't enough to stop Arsenal finally sealing the league title at Old Trafford a couple of weeks later. No prizes for guessing which players we're looking for here. For Chelsea, it's former England captain John Terry and Frank Lampard. For United, it's Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes, who gave Lampard a lesson that afternoon and may be about to give him another one today. Scholes got United on their way, scoring a trademark 25-yarder, a fine way to end a season which began with him being messed about following the arrival of Juan Sebastian Veron. There have been a few occasions heralded as the end of Scholes, but here he still is, running the show against Liverpool at last weekend and against Stoke on Tuesday, like a dad pulling the strings in a game with his kids down the park. "Och, he's got feathers in his feet," purred Sir Alex Ferguson after the 2-0 win over Tony Pulis's side.
Still, the return of Scholes from retirement last month, as romantic as it is, does demonstrate the problems facing United, who decided the best way to replace Paul Scholes is with Paul Scholes. Accept no lesser imitations and all that, but the lack of care given to their midfield over the last few years is the major factor holding this side back from truly challenging the best in Europe. In that context, it is remarkable that they are still keeping up with Manchester City, a bit like when you chop garlic and the smell follows you around for days. Despite not playing that well against Stoke, there was never really any doubt that United would eventually find a way.
They haven't had many better opportunities to end their dismal run at Stamford Bridge than this. There remains the possibility that Chelsea might suddenly rediscover their former swagger at some point this season, but it's looking increasingly unlikely. If United need an example of the dangers of standing still, look no further. Where the blame lies for Chelsea's slump isn't immediately clear. On the one hand, we constantly hear of a squad full of difficult characters who need taking down a peg or two and who haven't won nearly as much as their egos would suggest.
Add to that an inconsistent transfer policy – it's hard to name too many obvious successful signings since 2006 – and constantly changing managers, and it would appear that Andre Villas-Boas needs time and support from above. Don't hold your breath. On the other hand, even with some of the old guard sent off to the glue factory, Chelsea still don't have any obvious style or philosophy on the pitch. With all this talk of former players, now wouldn't be the worst time for the old Fernando Torres to come out of hiding.
Teams: Were any of the Chelsea substitutes alive the last time United won at Stamford Bridge?
Chelsea (4-3-3): Cech; Ivanovic, Cahill, Luiz, Bosingwa; Essien, Meireles, Malouda; Sturridge, Torres, Mata. Subs: Turnbull, Ferreira, Bertrand, Hutchinson, Romeu, Piazon, Lukaku.
Manchester United (4-4-2): De Gea; Rafael, Evans, Ferdinand, Evra: Valencia Giggs, Carrick, Young; Rooney, Welbeck. Subs: Amos, Fabio, Park, Berbatov, Pogba, Hernandez, Scholes.
Referee: Howard Webb.
